Reading is Fun and Mental

I’m MarieKondo’ing the DRAFTS folder and releasing this to spark joy in the world. Yeah, yeah, I wanted to add key takeaways or notes about each of the amazing things I’ve read during sabbatical. That is a blocker that adds no value. If the book is listed, I recommend it - period. I can always make those updates ad hoc. For now, here’s the list and if you want more information on an incomplete entry, reach out.

The books on this list that I recommend the most often are: The Responsibility Process, Dare To Lead, No Bullsh!t Leadership, How To Do The Work, and GRIT - all for different reasons.

The title for this post is a riff on “Reading is Fundamental” from the non-profit of the same name. Formed in the 1960s with a mission to “ensure all children have the ability to read and succeed”, (https://www.rif.org) continues its efforts thru PSAs and school reading programs. Shout out to a great organization with a goal worthy of your tax-deductible support.

Being from a family of readers, it’s not surprising that reading has always been “FUN” for me. The twist in my title is the “MENTAL” bit, which comes from a former colleague who actually equated reading fiction with willful insanity. I worked for Fiserv, installing systems for new clients and training their staff. On one project, a coworker shared that he read non-fiction voraciously but avoided all fiction because “make-believe” was pretending to accept something as true that he knew not to be true. To his way of thinking, reading fiction was choosing to give his mind over to psychosis.

I get that enjoyment of fiction requires “suspension of disbelief” and I can argue this is a matter of degrees. Still, even with repeated questioning I never figured out what built the pairing in his head of fiction and insanity. Eventually I accepted the whole thing as a harmless personal oddity of a coworker. Then I gave myself a new badge of honor: “gleefully psychotic”. Reading is Fun AND MENTAL. I love fiction but almost all of this list is non-fiction. Anywho, this is a map to where I buried the body and how I got away with that murder.

The partial list of books below have helped me get better at: Helping others, Setting and respecting boundaries, Letting go of (or reaching out to) others, Celebrating my achievements and my failures, and grudgingly at Saying “I don’t know” more easily. Pair increased self-knowledge and gratitude with better listening and coaching skills, and things get interesting.

Organized chronologically[ish] with most recent first:

• FORMAT:

  • [“XYZ” indicates incomplete entry] TITLE

    • By AUTHOR(s)

    • Consumed format(s)

    • When read/listened to

    • Recommendation or source

    • Key learnings and notes

• CURRENT LISTEN:

  • XYZ The Fifth Discipline, the Art & Practice of the Learning Organization

    • By Peter Senge

    • AUDIO

    • (purchased June 2024)

    • Listening recommendation

    • Learning is done by people, not by teams or roles - so to prioritize learning is to elevate the people

    • notes, incomplete

•  

• QUEUED READ:

  • XYZ Survival of the Friendliest

    • By Brian Hare, Vanessa Woods

    • AUDIO

    • (purchased Fall 2023) pending

    • Referenced by Brene Brown

•  

• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

  • By Mark Manson

  • AUDIO

  • Spring 2024

  • Source: Career Coach Recommendation

  • The decision to care about something is the decision to not care about others.

  • Deciding to care about things is too easy. Deciding what not to care about is harder but is more rewarding and more powerful in making yourself better.

  • A LOT of his points felt like rephrasing of the content in Brene Brown’s Dare To Lead, specifically the myths of vulnerability and the armor we wear to protect ourselves. The retelling was no less powerful for being presented differently - but I didn’t have to think as hard, having already absorbed it previously. I can see myself recommending this book instead of DtL based on to whom I am giving the recommendation.

• The Big Dig

  • By WGBH/Boston

  • Podcast

  • Source: algorithm recommendation while listening to articles about the Federal government’s infrastructure projects

  • Spring 2024

  • 8 part podcast about the multi-decade infrastructure project to tunnel under Boston and redirect two interstates and airport access to improve life in the city)

  • My grandfather worked for the City of Boston as a Civil Engineer and was responsible for some of the above ground roadways replaced by this effort. I remember his basement home office in their house in Whitman had these two giant drafting desks and a weirdly shaped filing cabinet of 2-3” high drawers for blueprints laid flat.

  • Listening to the series gave color to memories of my Dad’s side of the family, but also helped me understand some things about how success changes over the long timescale needed for huge efforts.

• XYZ Radical Candor

  • By Kim Scott

  • AUDIO

  • October 2023

  • Audible recommendation based on other reading

  • Lessons from a google and apple leader and management trainer

•  

• The Art of Asking

  • By Amanda Palmer

  • AUDIO

  • August 2023

  • Career Coach Recommendation

  • Asking for help is hard because you have to open yourself to the possibility of rejection and that can hurt, but being told “no” isn’t going to kill you - it’s just going to suck. Well, not having the thing or getting the thing you need help with done - also sucks, so why is getting the “no” any different? Ask.

  • As a Burner, I am very unhappy with myself for denying the people in my life who care for me - the opportunity to gift me the things I need and that they can provide.

  • As a GenXer, I grew up with Self-sufficiency as a defining attribute of self-worth yet I have also always understood that WE is always greater than ME.

  • Two things:

    • I feel amazing when I’m able to help others so isn’t denying others the chance to do that a jerk move?

    • I struggle with the vulnerability of saying “I cannot do this by myself” more than the fear of rejection, but I want to achieve more than I can do by myself. Wanting to be part of what WE can do, is worth the “fear of no”.

•  

• Self-Esteem

  • By Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning

  • AUDIO

  • July 2023

  • Therapist recommendation

  • One day I told my therapist two things: that I didn’t really come out until my 40s, and that I had buried a hundred people I loved before my 30th birthday. He specifically assigned me this book to read. The connection was not obvious to me at all.

  • The book was sooooooo difficult to listen to. It felt trite, simplistic, and misplaced. The narrator was talking to people who didn’t understand they were valuable, but I friggin rock. I’m the first-born son of the favorite son on Dad’s side, and I’m smart, funny, and handsome by western standards. Why was I listening to this drivel?

  • Then, a friend helped me by saying “self-esteem isn’t about self-worth, it isn’t about whether you value yourself, it’s whether or not you treat yourself well”. Watershed.

  • Brene Brown talks about living your life, competing in the arena of the world - and in that arena, down in the front row, there are two negative voices: one saying “you’re not good enough” (imposter syndrome) and one saying “oh, looks who’s all full of themself” (destroying self-esteem and devaluing accomplishment as soon as you start to achieve).

    • Those voices are part of being human and cannot be removed or ignored. Instead, they must be acknowledged then put in perspective. Evolution kept them for a reason, but they matter less than other voices.

    • My friend helped me stop trying to ignore my internal voices and in so doing, I realized I was speaking to myself in ways I would NEVER speak to someone I was coaching. This book helped me break that pattern. (Note: it’s still a hard listen)

•  

• XYZ Atlas of the Heart

  • By Brene Brown

  • AUDIO and eBOOK

  • April 2023

  • After listening to Dare To Lead, I followed Brown and received an email of this release

  • There are 87 primary and secondary (but distinct) emotional states. Most people can identify THREE while they are occurring: Mad, Sad, and Glad. This book breaks down all 87.

  • [need to say more here]

  • Much of this content supports my “Emotional LIRA” concept and practice

• XYZ GRIT: The Power of Passion and Perseverance

  • By Angela Duckworth

  • AUDIO and PRINT

  • When: February 2023

  • Source: Career Coach Recommendation

  • Not to go all Chumbawamba but - I get knocked down, but I get up again, they’re never gonna keep me down

  • This book is about what goes thru your head when you get knocked down, and how that - not talent or luck - makes all the difference in how you live your life.

  • Grit or tenacity, is something you can learn - not something you have - and it is the most important differentiator to who achieves their goals.

  • Comment(s) - not done

•  

• XYZ Leaving Isn’t The Hardest Thing

  • By Lauren Hough

  • AUDIO

  • December 2022

  • Friend recommendation

• How to Do the Work

  • By Nichole LePera

  • KINDLE and AUDIBLE

  • November 2022

  • Article reference lead to instagram follow of author which lead to downloading and listening to the book

  • How To Do the Work is a “self analysis and (re)programming manual”

  • Our thoughts, behaviors, and unconscious reactions are all habits created (primarily) in childhood and reinforced or adjusted over time. How we act is programming. It’s NURTURE significantly more than NATURE.

  • Saying “this is who I am” is actually saying “this is who I have been programmed/conditioned to be”.

    • Read that again: “This is who I am” equals “this is who I am programmed to be”.

    • Programming can be changed. We can change at any time. Doing so requires work.

  • Like any practice, initial attempts can be exhausting and time consuming but also the most rewarding and educational. Recognizing a behavior no longer serves our needs is the start.

  • My method is to question:

    • Where did this behavior (rule, belief, habit) originate? Was it a defense mechanism to protect me from some hurt, or something reinforced by an authority figure or caregiver as preferred action?

    • How can I give myself permission to change this rule (ie the behavior trigger response)?

    • Do I understand and acknowledge that the ChildMe who made this rule WAS DOING HIS BEST but that AdultMe knows better?

  • That process unlocks the programming I want to change. Doing the update or replacement? That’s harder and can include:

    • Sharing the goal with a trusted supporter to help reinforce the new behavior

    • Finding ways to game the success

    • Objective criteria to measure progress (think SMART goals)

    • Example: after a discussion with a former colleague, I wanted to be better at processing what was said to me BEFORE responding, and the rule I had to break in my head was from childhood - being the baby of the family and interrupting just to be heard. Slowing down gave an opening for others to jump in. I had to become conscious about pulling the others in the conversation into a rhythm, insisting on a pace that allowed for contemplative discussion. (It doesn’t always work - but I have had successes and consider this goal achieved)

    • Doing this work is hard.

  • Our parents did the best they could and almost never knew their actions would hurt us or cause us to build rules we would later have to change. It’s pretty easy to argue that the true genesis of generational trauma is parents (unintentionally?) causing rules to be built that will have to be un-programmed. It is also entirely forgivable.

  • We’re lucky. Prior generations did not see mental health work as the invaluable (and non-stigmatized) practice we now recognize it to be.

  • The book covers “Re-Parenting” practices in support of self-knowledge, understanding, forgiveness of self and others, goal definition and clarity, and methods to support and reinforce change.

  • That problematic co-worker, colleague, or employee is also doing the best they can but more importantly is being “who they were programmed to be”. Getting them to change is easier if you start with finding out WHY they are doing the thing you want them to change.

• XYZ The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership

  • By Dethmer Chapman Klemp

  • AUDIO

  • Fall 2022

  • Leadership Coach Recommendation

• XYZ Coaching, Counseling, and Mentoring

  • By Florence Stone

  • AUDIO

  • September 2022

  • Leadership Coach Recommendation

• XYZ No Bullsh!t Leadership

  • By Martin G Moore

  • AUDIO and eBOOK

  • June 2022

  • Source: Leadership Coach Recommendation

  • Leadership skills are like any other abilities: they can be identified, evaluated, studied, practiced, and mastered. Most leaders are very poor at leading when they first attain a leadership role, and often leaders flounder or fail, never having done the work to be better leaders.

    • My rise into leadership was ALWAYS due to expertise in technical areas. My leadership (and management) skills were inconsistent (sadly lacking in some ways) and no organization (or leader) in my past has focused on growing me in that way. Neither did I.

  • The way MGM categorized leadership skills made it easier for me to see where I needed to improve, how to sequence those efforts, and how to own being poor in individual areas.

  • There were many shameful moments listening to this book. I would learn “Don’t Do X” (and why) and my brain would immediately provide (MANY!) historical examples of me doing X.

    • I accept that I did not know better, but do now. What is more challenging is that there is usually no way to take accountability (apologizing and making amends) to those my prior ignorance affected.

• XYZ Dare to Lead, Brene Brown

  • By Brene Bworn

  • AUDIO and eBOOK

    • Personal note: Brene narrates her own work and delivers this content very well. Unless you are anti audio book, I highly recommend getting this in audio format with a workbook (or the full version) as reference material

  • June 2022

  • Came into my world via a reference in an article about building and leveraging trust in the workplace for improved performance

  • The book first focuses on vulnerability, defining and learning to live without the defenses we employ to protect ourselves and prevent connections. As an example, she discusses the fallacy of perfectionism.

  • To be trustworthy we have to trust. Trusting is the act of making something you care about subject to the actions of others so to build trust we have to be willing to be hurt.

  • The idea that learning and being curious is more important and more valuable than knowing things or being an expert comes up again and again in my studies. While rising into leadership is often the confluence of expertise and opportunity - succeeding in that role requires vulnerability and embracing learning over knowing.

    • On Friday, I was the most senior of a group of peers and was really good what I do. On Monday, I’m the new boss for my former coworkers and an entirely new set of criteria determine my success - and I suck at my new job.

    • To succeed, I have to be curious and learn how to do the new things - but I get to leverage my old knowledge to help those I now get to guide.

  • . Brene’s trust model, summarized in the acronym “BRAVING” is something I reference in chat often. Boundaries, Responsibility, Accountability, the Vault, Integrity, Non-judgmental, and Generosity

    • For the longest time, I completely sucked at Boundaries - as an example, working extra hours because that was me “going above and beyond” but the message I was sending is “my time is not valuable”. WORSE, by not setting healthy boundaries for myself and insisting they be respected, I lacked a fundamental element in respecting the boundaries of others. That made it harder for others to trust me.

  • Part 1 of the book is about Vulnerability and the misconceptions surrounding it

  • ADD MUCH MORE

• XYZ Compassionate Leadership

  • By Hougaard Carter Afton Mohan

  • AUDIO

  • June 2022

  • Source: Leadership Coach Recommendation

• XYZ The Responsibility Process

  • By Christopher Avery

  • eBOOK

  • Reread Spring 2022 (January 2018, initial)

  • Source: Consultant Recommendation

  • I have recommended this book soooooo many times that I have the cover screen cap’d in my favorites.

  • Great exercise early in the book to reinforce that more things go well in our lives than go poorly. Walk around with a post-it and make a hashmark whenever something goes right, regardless of how small. You didn’t overfill your water bottle: WIN. You made it to the meeting on time: WIN. You remembered that guy’s name this time: WIN. The bad stuff NEEDS our attention (it’s how we learn) but there is vastly more good stuff (which we ignore).

  • You will forever see the pattern: get past denial and you run up the chain from blame/justify to pause at shame/obligation and climb up to responsibility.

  • The steps are always the same (even if they happen so fast we’re not conscious of them):

    • Denial = blindness (intentional or subconscious) to the problem. This can’t be happening.

    • Blame, Justify = distraction to avoid the problem. Find a target for anger or give up that this issue is unchangeable.

    • Shame, Obligation = acknowledging the problem and the beginnings of our role in it, but we’re not ready to solve it

    • Quit = always valid to take a break (resting is OK)

    • Responsibility = connected, empowered, solving the problem, improving self/world

  • Coaching others through this process is really hard. You asking people to recognize their entire lives are the direct results of their thoughts, decisions, actions, and behaviors. You are taking away the THEM in their “Me vs TheWorld” mind.

  • I can’t remember a time when I did not know that everything that happens to me is the result of my own decisions, actions, and behaviors. The coffee table did not jump out at my shin. I walked into the table. Yet as an adult, I came to accept that I have never had full control over anything except my reaction. There are corollaries to that understanding that are still new to me, though. Accepting humbly that I am the biggest impediment to my success is empowering, if maybe a little freighting.

  • Revisit - - -

•  

• XYZ The Fifth Risk

  • By Michael Lewis

  • AUDIO

  • Fall 2018

  • Referenced in a reader submission on electoral-vote.com

  • n

•  

FIN (For, starts with “I”, Now)